Thrivers

Picture sixteen-year-old Eva waking up at 4:00 a.m. for swim practice, juggling four AP classes with a 4.3 GPA, and squeezing in SAT prep every night. Despite her impressive achievements, she averages five hours of sleep and feels constantly overwhelmed, running on empty. Eva represents a generation that has more opportunities than ever before, yet reports feeling more stressed, lonely, and depleted than any previous generation. While we've intensely focused on developing children's cognitive abilities and academic performance, we've overlooked the essential character strengths that actually determine whether they'll thrive in life.

Today's young people aren't just struggling with academic pressure—they're missing the inner foundation that provides genuine confidence, resilience, and fulfillment. The solution isn't more tutoring, activities, or gold stars. It's helping children develop seven essential character strengths that serve as protective factors, enabling them to meet the world on their own terms and navigate life's inevitable challenges with calm confidence. These strengths work together to create what can only be called the Character Advantage, transforming strivers into thrivers who find meaning and joy in their journey.

True self-confidence isn't about telling children they're special or giving them participation trophies. It's the quiet understanding of "who I am" that nurtures inner assuredness and appreciation of one's unique qualities, strengths, talents, and interests. This foundational strength serves as a child's customized roadmap to peak performance, built on authentic self-knowledge rather than external validation.

Consider Jim Abbott, born without a right hand and wearing a metal hook to compensate. Schoolmates called him Captain Hook, and he considered himself "the kid with the deformity." Despite immense challenges, Jim learned to believe in himself because his parents focused on his strengths rather than his limitations. His father treated him like every other neighborhood kid who fished, rode bikes, and played ball. When Jim felt sorry for himself, his father would ask, "So, what are you going to do about it?" They discovered that Jim's strength lay in his arm, and through constant practice, he developed an extraordinary pitching ability. Jim Abbott went on to become a Major League Baseball pitcher who threw a no-hitter, proving that self-confidence grows from recognizing and developing authentic strengths.

To build genuine self-confidence, start by identifying your child's core assets using careful observation. Look for activities where your child shows determination, focuses longer, learns quicker, feels energized, claims ownership, and sounds excited. Acknowledge these strengths specifically using nouns rather than verbs—instead of "You're good at painting," say "You're a painter." Create opportunities for your child to practice and develop these strengths while stepping back from constant management and rescue attempts.

Real self-confidence emerges when children understand their authentic selves, accept both strengths and weaknesses, and can apply this self-knowledge to navigate life successfully. Help your child find their purpose by asking what gives them pride and meaning, then support their passion rather than imposing your own dreams. This foundation provides the unshakeable confidence that no external circumstance can diminish.

Empathy extends far beyond feeling another's pain—it encompasses three distinct types that work together to create emotionally intelligent individuals. Affective empathy involves sharing another's feelings, behavioral empathy means taking compassionate action, and cognitive empathy requires understanding another's perspective. Together, these abilities help children care about others, build meaningful relationships, and develop the emotional intelligence necessary for success in our interconnected world.

Mrs. Monty's fifth-grade class demonstrated empathy's transformative power when students chose to study it as their year-long project. These ten and eleven-year-olds researched declining empathy rates and learned about young heroes like Trevor Ferrell, who at age eleven organized a 250-person operation to help Philadelphia's homeless after seeing them on television. The students created interactive games and activities to teach empathy to younger children, culminating in a school assembly. The real proof of their learning came when student Rachel bought lunch for a homeless man outside their store, explaining to her mother, "That was empathy in action." The project had transformed these children from passive learners into active compassionate citizens.

Teaching empathy begins with emotional literacy—helping children recognize and name emotions in themselves and others. Ask questions like "How did that make you feel?" and "How do you think she feels?" Point out people's facial expressions and body language in daily life, as children cannot learn to read emotions from emojis. Model empathetic listening using the Four Ls: Look eye-to-eye, Lean in, Learn one common thing, and Label the feeling. Teach perspective-taking by encouraging children to imagine how others feel and find common ground with people who seem different.

The ultimate goal is behavioral empathy, or "empathy in action." Provide opportunities for children to help others face-to-face, whether delivering toys to a shelter, reading to seniors, or comforting a friend. Point out the impact of their caring actions and praise prosocial behaviors. When children experience the joy of making a positive difference, they develop a caring identity that sustains them throughout life.

Self-control represents the ability to manage attention, emotions, thoughts, actions, and desires. Research shows it's more than twice as important as intelligence in predicting academic achievement and proves crucial for mental health, relationships, and life success. Yet this strength is declining rapidly in children, contributing to rising rates of anxiety, depression, and feelings of being overwhelmed in our distraction-filled world.

The Tools of the Mind preschool program demonstrates how self-control can be taught effectively through internal regulation strategies rather than external rewards or punishments. Four-year-old Henry, prone to outbursts while waiting in the snack line, learned to quietly tell himself three things: "I will stand in line, count to ten until it's my turn, and sit down." His teacher helped him practice holding up fingers as reminders. After a week of practice, Henry could remember his three steps without adult prompts, and his tantrums diminished. The program shows that when children learn self-regulation tools, amazing academic and behavioral improvements follow.

To teach self-control, focus on three core abilities. First, strengthen attentive focus by reducing attention robbers like excessive screen time, overscheduling, and sleep deprivation. Teach waiting strategies and mindfulness techniques to help children pause before acting impulsively. Second, help children manage emotions by teaching them to assess their stress using the ACT method: Assess stress signs and triggers, Calm down with slow breathing techniques, and Talk positively to themselves using encouraging phrases.

The key to developing self-control lies in consistent practice over time. Choose one specific area for improvement and practice the new strategy daily for at least three weeks. Remember that self-control is like a muscle that grows stronger with regular exercise, and children must learn these skills from the inside out rather than relying on external management.

Integrity isn't innate but consists of learned beliefs, capacities, attitudes, and skills that create a moral compass. This character strength helps children know what's right, care about what's right, and do what's right, even when no one is watching. It provides boundaries, strength to resist temptations, and guidance for ethical behavior throughout life, serving as an internal navigation system for moral decision-making.

Irena Sendler's story powerfully illustrates integrity in action. This Polish social worker disguised herself as an infection control nurse to enter the Warsaw ghetto and persuade Jewish parents to let her save their children. Between 1942 and 1943, she smuggled over 2,500 babies, children, and teens past Nazi guards in toolboxes, suitcases, and sewer pipes. When captured and tortured by the Nazis, she refused to reveal the names of those who helped her. When asked what motivated her extraordinary heroism, Sendler simply said, "What I did was not extraordinary. I was just being decent. It was how I was raised." Her father, a physician who treated the poor free of charge, had taught her that if you see someone drowning, you have to jump in and save them whether you can swim or not.

To foster integrity, parents must first model moral awareness by identifying family touchstones and creating a family motto that defines your values. Use the acronym TEACH: Target your touchstones, Exemplify character through your behavior, Accentuate with a motto, Catch your child displaying integrity, and Highlight moral lessons in daily situations. Help children develop moral identity by using the four Rs of moral discipline when they make mistakes: Respond calmly, Review why the behavior was wrong, Reflect on its effects on others, and help them Right the wrong through restitution.

Encourage children to speak out for their beliefs by allowing respectful disagreement at home, asking questions that help them think about moral issues, and teaching them to assert their values confidently. Create opportunities for meaningful service that aligns with their interests and values, as moral exemplars often find causes that match their ethical beliefs and develop the courage to act on their convictions.

Curiosity represents the recognition, pursuit, and intense desire to explore novel, challenging, and uncertain events. It's what helps children remain open to possibilities, motivates them to learn, and inspires them to think in new ways. This character strength is essential for thriving in our rapidly changing world, yet children's creativity has been steadily declining since 1990, with the most serious drops occurring in younger children who need this skill most.

The MIT Media Lab provides a powerful model for nurturing curiosity through four principles: peers, passion, projects, and play. Their success comes from intellectual diversity, where computer scientists work alongside musicians and artists. Researchers are driven by passion for projects that matter to them, experiencing the state of "flow" where they become totally absorbed in meaningful work. They engage in hands-on projects rather than passive learning, and they maintain a spirit of playful discovery reminiscent of kindergarten. Most importantly, they encourage risk-taking and view failures as opportunities to rethink and explore new options.

To develop curiosity in children, create experiences that are Child-driven, Unmanaged by adults, Risky enough to stretch comfort zones, Intrinsically motivated, Open-ended with multiple possibilities, Unusual and novel, and allow for Solitude and reflection. Provide open-ended materials like art supplies, building materials, and broken electronics for tinkering. Ask "I wonder" questions to model inquisitiveness and encourage children to find their own answers rather than providing immediate solutions.

Teach creative problem-solving using the SPARK method: Say the problem, maintain Positives only with no judgment, Add on to create more options, Rapid-fire ideas quickly, and Keep storming until solutions emerge. Help children become comfortable with creative risks by giving them permission to stray from conventional thinking and encouraging them to share original ideas even if they might be wrong. Curiosity flourishes when children have time to tinker, freedom to explore their passions, and support for taking creative risks.

The seven character strengths of self-confidence, empathy, self-control, integrity, curiosity, perseverance, and optimism work together to create what can only be called the Character Advantage. These traits serve as protective factors that help children navigate life's inevitable challenges with resilience and grace. As research consistently shows, children who develop these strengths are happier, more successful, and better prepared for an unpredictable world than those who focus solely on academic achievement.

The transformation from striver to thriver requires a fundamental shift in how we raise and educate children. Instead of cramming their schedules with adult-directed activities and constantly rescuing them from failure, we must step back and allow them to develop inner strength. As one wise educator noted, "Character is destiny." Start today by identifying one character strength to focus on with your child, practice it consistently, and watch as their confidence, resilience, and joy begin to flourish in ways that will serve them throughout their lives.