Good Inside

Picture this: your five-year-old melts down at the grocery store because you said no to candy, your eight-year-old refuses to do homework and calls you "the worst parent ever," or your toddler hits their sibling for the third time today. In these moments, you might find yourself wondering what's wrong with your child—or worse, what's wrong with your parenting. You're not alone in feeling frustrated, exhausted, and sometimes hopeless about these challenging behaviors.

What if I told you that underneath every "difficult" behavior is a good kid having a hard time? This revolutionary perspective shifts us away from seeing our children as problems to solve and toward understanding them as whole people with real feelings, needs, and struggles. Instead of focusing on quick fixes and behavior modification, we can learn to build genuine connection with our children while helping them develop the emotional regulation skills they need to thrive. This approach doesn't just change our children's behavior—it transforms our entire relationship with them and helps us raise confident, resilient humans who feel truly good about themselves from the inside out.

At the heart of transformational parenting lies one fundamental belief: every child is inherently good inside. This isn't about excusing problematic behavior or becoming a permissive parent—it's about understanding that beneath every challenging moment is a child struggling with feelings, needs, or situations they can't yet manage on their own.

When we operate from an assumption of internal goodness, we approach our children with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of asking "What's wrong with my kid?" we wonder "What's my child struggling with, and how can I help?" This shift in perspective allows us to see behavior as a window into our child's inner world rather than a measure of their character.

Consider Sonia, whose five-year-old son Felix seemed to ignore everything she said. When she viewed his behavior through the lens of disrespect, she found herself yelling and feeling frustrated. But when she recognized that Felix's "not listening" was actually about feeling disconnected from her, she could address the real issue. By increasing their one-on-one time and showing genuine interest in his world, Felix's cooperation naturally improved—not because he feared consequences, but because he felt seen and valued.

The most generous interpretation becomes our guiding principle. When your child says "I hate you!" after you set a boundary, instead of taking it personally, you can recognize a child overwhelmed by disappointment who doesn't yet have the skills to express those big feelings appropriately. This perspective protects both your relationship and your child's developing sense of self-worth.

Remember this truth: our children respond to the version of themselves we reflect back to them. When we consistently see them as good kids having hard times, they begin to see themselves that way too. This internal goodness becomes the foundation from which all positive change grows, creating children who can handle life's challenges while maintaining their sense of worth and connection to others.

Connection is the secret ingredient that makes everything else in parenting work. Think of your relationship with your child as having an emotional bank account where every positive interaction makes a deposit of "connection capital," while every conflict or correction makes a withdrawal. The key to cooperative, confident children isn't perfect parenting—it's maintaining a healthy balance in this relational account.

The most powerful deposit you can make is your full, undistracted presence. Play No Phone (PNP) Time revolutionizes parent-child relationships through just 10-15 minutes of device-free, child-directed play. During this time, you enter your child's world completely, following their lead rather than directing the activity. When three-year-old Emma's tantrums decreased dramatically after her parents implemented daily PNP Time, they realized she wasn't being "difficult"—she was simply starving for their undivided attention.

The Fill-Up Game offers another powerful connection strategy. When children act out, instead of reacting with frustration, you can say, "I think you need to be filled up with Mommy." Through playful squeezes and hugs, you literally help your child feel "full" of your love and presence. This approach transforms challenging moments into opportunities for deeper bonding.

Understanding that two things can be true simultaneously prevents us from falling into power struggles. You can hold firm boundaries while acknowledging your child's feelings. When your child protests bedtime, you might say, "Two things are true: it's time for bed, and you wish you could stay up longer. Both of those things make sense." This validation doesn't change your decision, but it helps your child feel heard and understood.

The goal isn't to eliminate all conflicts but to ensure that connection outweighs disconnection in your relationship. When children feel genuinely seen, understood, and valued, they naturally become more cooperative, confident, and emotionally regulated. Connection capital becomes the foundation upon which all other parenting strategies can successfully build.

Tantrums are not behavioral problems to be fixed—they're emotional releases that signal a child is overwhelmed by feelings they cannot yet regulate. Understanding this fundamental truth transforms how we respond to these intense moments, shifting from trying to stop the tantrum to helping our child through it.

During a tantrum, your child's brain is in survival mode. The logical, thinking part of their brain goes offline, which is why reasoning, bribing, or threatening doesn't work. Instead, they need co-regulation—your calm, steady presence to help their nervous system settle. Your job is to be the container for their big emotions, not the extinguisher.

When four-year-old Marcus threw himself on the floor screaming because he couldn't have ice cream for breakfast, his mother Sarah initially tried to explain why that wasn't healthy. But Marcus only screamed louder. When Sarah shifted approaches, sitting calmly beside him and saying, "You really want that ice cream. You want it as big as this whole kitchen! It's so hard to want something that much and not get it," Marcus began to calm down. Sarah wasn't giving him the ice cream, but she was giving him something more important—understanding.

For aggressive tantrums involving hitting or throwing, firm boundaries become essential. The phrase "I won't let you" followed by physical intervention when necessary communicates that you're the steady leader who can keep everyone safe. You might say, "I won't let you throw toys" while gently restraining your child's hands, then follow up with, "You're having such big feelings. I'm here to help you through this."

The key is separating the child from the behavior. You might contain the aggressive actions while still validating the underlying emotions: "I won't let you hit, and I understand you're frustrated about sharing your blocks." This approach teaches children that all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors are, while preserving their sense of being fundamentally good inside even during their most challenging moments.

Every family faces recurring challenges that can make daily life feel like a battlefield. Whether it's morning routines, sibling fighting, or bedtime resistance, the solution isn't found in stricter consequences but in understanding what's driving these patterns and addressing the root causes through connection.

Take sibling rivalry, which often stems from children's deep need to feel secure in their parents' love. When six-year-old Maya constantly picked fights with her baby brother, her parents initially focused on teaching sharing and kindness. But the real breakthrough came when they recognized Maya's behavior as a desperate plea for reassurance about her place in the family. By scheduling regular one-on-one time with Maya and validating her complex feelings about having a sibling, the fighting naturally decreased.

Sleep struggles provide another perfect example of connection-first problem-solving. When children resist bedtime or wake frequently at night, they're often expressing anxiety about separation. Rather than using sleep training methods that increase this anxiety, parents can address the underlying fear through connection. Creating bedtime rituals that include family photos, recorded messages, or transitional objects helps children carry their parents' presence with them through the night.

For persistent lying, curious rather than punitive responses work best. When eight-year-old David consistently lied about finishing homework, his father's breakthrough came not from consequences but from exploring what made telling the truth feel unsafe. Through gentle conversations about perfectionism and fear of disappointment, David gradually became more honest as he felt safer being imperfect.

The pattern remains consistent across all challenges: behavior is communication. Children act out when they feel disconnected, misunderstood, or emotionally overwhelmed. By addressing these underlying needs through increased connection, validation, and emotional support, the problematic behaviors naturally improve. This approach requires more patience initially but creates lasting change because it addresses causes rather than just symptoms.

True confidence isn't about feeling good all the time or having others constantly praise you. Real confidence is the ability to feel at home with yourself across a wide range of experiences, including difficult ones. It's built through validation of authentic feelings rather than attempts to convince children out of their emotional reality.

Many well-meaning parents accidentally undermine confidence by trying to cheer up their disappointed children. When seven-year-old Alex felt devastated about not making the soccer team, his mother's first instinct was to remind him of all the things he was good at. But this approach inadvertently communicated that his disappointment wasn't valid or manageable. Instead, she learned to say, "You really wanted to be on that team. That disappointment feels huge right now, and that makes complete sense."

Building confidence requires helping children trust their own internal compass. Instead of praising outcomes, focus on process and internal awareness. Rather than "Great job on that drawing!" try "How did you decide to use those colors together?" This shifts children's attention inward, helping them develop the self-awareness that forms the foundation of genuine confidence.

The phrase "You're the only one in your body, so only you know how you feel" becomes incredibly powerful. When children learn to trust their own perceptions and feelings, they develop the internal strength to make good decisions and advocate for themselves throughout their lives. This self-trust is what enables teenagers to resist peer pressure and adults to maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.

Validation doesn't mean agreement or permissiveness. You can validate your child's feeling scared about a doctor's appointment while still taking them to get necessary medical care. You can acknowledge their anger about a family rule while maintaining the boundary. This teaches children that their emotions are always acceptable and informative, even when their desires can't be met.

Building confidence through validation creates children who can weather disappointments, handle criticism, and bounce back from failures because they maintain a core sense of their own worth that isn't dependent on external circumstances or approval.

The core message of this book is a revolutionary shift:from seeing our children as problems to be fixed to understanding them as whole people deserving of connection and understanding. Every challenging behavior becomes an opportunity to strengthen our relationship and help our children develop the emotional regulation skills they need to thrive. As the author reminds us: "You are good inside. Your child is good inside. If you return to that truth before you begin all your attempts at change, you will be on the right path."

This approach isn't just about improving our children's behavior—it's about raising humans who feel fundamentally worthy and capable of handling whatever life brings their way. When we parent from a place of connection rather than control, we create children who can be both independent and close to others, who can handle disappointment without losing their sense of self-worth, and who carry an unshakeable knowledge that they are good inside. Start today by choosing connection over correction in just one interaction with your child, and notice how this small shift begins to transform your entire relationship.