Sacred Marriage

Picture this: you're standing at the altar on your wedding day, hearts full of dreams about endless happiness, romantic bliss, and a lifetime of joy with your perfect partner. Fast forward a few years, and you might find yourself wondering where all that initial magic went. The everyday realities of marriage—from disagreements about finances to frustrations over household chores—can leave couples feeling disillusioned and questioning whether they chose the wrong person.

But what if we've been approaching marriage with the wrong expectations entirely? What if the very challenges that make us want to throw in the towel are actually designed to transform us into better people? This revolutionary perspective invites us to see marriage not primarily as a source of personal fulfillment, but as a spiritual gymnasium where we develop character, learn to love unconditionally, and grow closer to our Creator. When we shift our focus from demanding happiness to embracing growth, we discover that marriage becomes one of life's most powerful tools for spiritual transformation.

Marriage serves as a unique spiritual discipline that shapes our character in ways no other relationship can. Unlike friendship or even parenting, marriage demands constant proximity with someone who sees us at our worst moments—when we're tired, stressed, and stripped of our public personas. This intense intimacy creates an environment where our selfishness, pride, and hidden character flaws are inevitably exposed.

The story of Dr. John Barger illustrates this transformative power beautifully. For years, Barger ruled his household with an iron fist, citing scripture to justify his authoritarian approach while his wife Susan and seven children lived in fear and resentment. He was successful professionally and appeared spiritual publicly, but his home life was marked by tension and unhappiness. Everything changed when tragedy struck—the loss of a stillborn child forced Barger to confront his own heart and choose a different path.

Rather than retreating into bitterness, Barger began the difficult work of transformation. He started holding his tongue instead of lashing out. He began admitting his faults and apologizing genuinely. Most importantly, he stopped defending himself when criticized and instead focused on understanding Susan's pain and supporting her through their shared grief. This wasn't easy—it required him to die to his old patterns daily and choose service over dominance.

The results were remarkable. Over three years of patient work, Susan's anger gradually melted away as she experienced genuine love and care from her husband. They discovered a depth of intimacy they had never known before, creating what Barger described as the sweetest years of their marriage. When Susan was later diagnosed with terminal cancer, Barger had the privilege of caring for her with the love he had learned to cultivate, demonstrating that marriage had indeed made him holy.

True love isn't the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling of early romance—it's the decision to keep choosing your spouse even when emotions fade and difficulties arise. Marriage teaches us that genuine love is active, not passive. It requires us to move toward our partner consistently, especially when we don't feel like it. This kind of love must be learned through practice, often in the crucible of conflict and disappointment.

Consider Abraham Lincoln's marriage to Mary Todd, widely regarded as one of the most challenging presidential marriages in American history. Mary was temperamental, prone to public outbursts, and struggled with mental health issues that became more severe after they lost their son Willie. She once threw coffee in Lincoln's face in public and regularly berated him for his appearance and mannerisms. Lesser men might have abandoned the relationship or retreated into bitterness.

Instead, Lincoln developed extraordinary patience and gentleness. When Mary's grief over their son's death sent her into hysterics, Lincoln would comfort her with remarkable tenderness. When she embarrassed him publicly, he would quietly apologize to others while protecting her dignity. He learned to see beyond her behavior to her pain and responded with compassion rather than retaliation. This daily practice of choosing love over self-protection shaped Lincoln into the compassionate leader who could hold a fractured nation together.

To develop this kind of transformative love, start by making small daily choices to serve your spouse without expecting anything in return. When your partner is difficult, ask yourself what they might be struggling with rather than focusing on how their behavior affects you. Practice speaking words that build up rather than tear down, even when you feel justified in your frustration. Most importantly, remember that learning to love an imperfect person is preparation for loving our perfect God more fully.

Marriage doesn't just teach us about love—it forces us to practice it when it's hardest, creating the spiritual strength we need for every other relationship in our lives.

The difficulties we face in marriage aren't obstacles to overcome—they're the very tools God uses to refine our character. Every marriage encounters seasons of struggle, from financial stress to communication breakdowns, from health crises to parenting disagreements. These challenges can either drive us apart or forge us into stronger, more mature individuals. The key lies in how we choose to respond.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh faced extraordinary marital challenges that would have broken many couples. Married to the world's most famous aviator, Charles Lindbergh, she had to navigate intense public scrutiny, constant media attention, and the loss of privacy that made simple pleasures like dining out or walking together nearly impossible. The pressure intensified tragically when their firstborn son was kidnapped and murdered, thrusting them into a nightmare of grief while the world watched.

Rather than allowing these trials to embitter her or destroy their relationship, Anne chose to see suffering as a pathway to growth. She wrote that sorrow had played a part in setting her free, forcing her to return to deeper spiritual resources and honest expression. The crisis revealed her inner strength and led her to become an accomplished pilot, navigator, and eventually one of America's most celebrated authors. Her marriage to Charles, with all its difficulties, provided the crucible in which her character was forged and her talents emerged.

When facing marital struggles, resist the temptation to blame your spouse or consider escape as the primary solution. Instead, ask yourself what character qualities this situation is calling you to develop. Is it patience? Forgiveness? Courage? Humility? View each challenge as a training session designed to make you stronger and more resilient. Practice responding to difficulties with curiosity rather than defensiveness, asking what lessons might be embedded in your struggles.

Remember that the strongest marriages aren't those without problems—they're those where both partners commit to growing through their problems together, emerging as better people on the other side.

Marriage reaches its highest potential when two people unite not just for personal happiness but for a purpose larger than themselves. When couples focus solely on their own comfort and pleasure, they often find their relationship becoming stagnant and self-absorbed. But when they discover a shared mission—whether it's raising children, serving their community, or advancing God's kingdom—their marriage gains depth and meaning that sustains them through difficult seasons.

Count Helmuth James von Moltke exemplified this principle beautifully in his letters to his wife during World War II. Despite being deeply in love—he wrote that she was his "thirteenth chapter of First Corinthians," referencing the famous love passage—von Moltke understood that their relationship was part of a larger story. As he faced execution for his role in the resistance against Hitler, he wrote that to continue living, he would need a new commission from God, since the one for which he was created stood completed. Even facing death, he saw his life and marriage within the context of divine purpose.

This perspective transformed how von Moltke related to his wife. Their love wasn't diminished by his commitment to justice and resistance—it was deepened. By serving something greater than their own happiness, they discovered a richer, more meaningful connection. Their shared values and mission gave their relationship a transcendent quality that personal pleasure alone could never provide.

To create sacred mission in your marriage, begin by discussing your deepest values and convictions with your spouse. What injustices stir your hearts? What needs in your community call for attention? How might God want to use your unique combination of gifts and resources? Look for ways to serve together, whether through volunteering, mentoring other couples, supporting causes you care about, or simply creating a home environment that reflects your shared faith.

When your marriage becomes a launching pad for service rather than just a refuge for personal fulfillment, you'll discover that paradoxically, your personal fulfillment increases as you focus less on it and more on your shared calling.

Marriage has the power to transform us in ways no other relationship can, but only when we approach it with the right expectations and attitudes. Instead of viewing marriage primarily as a source of personal happiness, we can embrace it as a spiritual discipline designed to make us more loving, patient, forgiving, and mature. The very challenges that make us want to quit—our spouse's annoying habits, their failures to meet our expectations, the daily grind of shared life—become the tools through which we develop Christ-like character.

As one wise observer noted, "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" This simple shift in perspective changes everything. When we stop demanding that our spouse complete us and start asking how we can serve them, when we view conflicts as opportunities for growth rather than evidence of incompatibility, when we see our shared struggles as the raw material for building strong character—then marriage becomes what it was always meant to be: a pathway to spiritual maturity and deeper intimacy with our Creator.

Take this first step today: choose one area where your spouse regularly frustrates you and ask yourself what character quality this situation might be calling you to develop. Then spend the next week practicing that quality, regardless of how your spouse responds. Watch how this simple shift in focus begins to transform not just your marriage, but your own heart.