Reasons to Stay Alive

At twenty-four, Matt Haig stood on a cliff in Ibiza, convinced his life was over. The panic attacks had begun, depression had taken hold, and death seemed like the only escape from the relentless terror consuming his mind. Yet thirteen years later, he would write about that moment not as an ending, but as the beginning of a profound journey toward understanding mental illness and finding reasons to continue living.

Haig's story represents millions of people worldwide who struggle with depression and anxiety, conditions that remain largely invisible yet devastatingly real. His experience challenges the stigma surrounding mental health while offering practical insights into recovery. Through his candid account, readers discover the complex relationship between creativity and mental illness, the vital importance of human connection during dark times, and the gradual process of learning to live alongside rather than fight against one's mental health challenges. His journey reveals that healing is not about returning to a previous self, but about building something entirely new from the fragments of breakdown.

The collapse began with a single thought on a September morning in Ibiza. Matt Haig, twenty-four and living what appeared to be an enviable life on a Mediterranean island, experienced what he would later describe as the day the old version of himself died. The sensation started at the back of his skull, a strange pulsing that felt like a trapped butterfly, followed by a racing heart and an overwhelming sense that something fundamental was going terribly wrong.

What made this moment particularly devastating was its apparent randomness. Haig had no significant trauma in his recent past, no obvious trigger for the mental collapse that was beginning. He was in one of the most beautiful places on earth, surrounded by the hedonistic paradise of Ibiza's club scene, yet found himself unable to appreciate any of it. The contrast between his external circumstances and internal experience would become a recurring theme in his understanding of depression.

The panic attacks that followed were unlike anything he had previously experienced. These weren't moments of nervousness or worry, but complete breakdowns of his sense of reality. His body seemed to betray him with physical symptoms that convinced him he was dying, while his mind spiraled into territories he had never imagined possible. The familiar world suddenly felt alien and threatening.

Within days, Haig found himself unable to leave his bed, sustained only by his girlfriend Andrea's patient care. The depression that followed the initial panic was equally bewildering. He discovered that mental illness doesn't follow logical patterns or respond to rational argument. Beautiful sunsets and Mediterranean breezes became meaningless when filtered through a mind consumed by terror and despair. This period marked not just a personal crisis, but the beginning of a years-long journey toward understanding the complex nature of mental health.

Depression, Haig learned, was nothing like the gentle melancholy often portrayed in popular culture. Instead, it felt like being trapped inside a storm system where every thought became a weapon turned against himself. The combination of depression and anxiety created what he describes as a particularly cruel cocktail, where the numbness of depression mixed with the hypervigilance of anxiety to create a state of exhausted alertness that never ceased.

The physical symptoms were as debilitating as the mental ones. Haig experienced everything from chest pains and difficulty breathing to a sensation of being disconnected from his own body. Simple tasks like going to the local shop became mountainous challenges requiring enormous reserves of courage. The gulf between what appeared normal to others and what felt possible to him created an additional layer of isolation and self-doubt.

One of the most difficult aspects was the way depression distorted time itself. Minutes felt like hours, and the concept of a future became impossible to imagine. Each day required surviving moment by moment, with no sense that the suffering would ever end. The illness seemed to have its own voice, constantly reinforcing negative thoughts and making hope feel like a dangerous delusion.

Perhaps most troubling was how depression attacked the very tools typically used for healing. Reading became impossible due to inability to concentrate. Social connection felt overwhelming and threatening. Even professional help seemed fraught with danger, as Haig developed a phobia of medication that might alter his already unstable mental state. The illness had created a prison where the keys to freedom appeared to be the very things he feared most.

The relationship between anxiety and depression proved particularly complex. While depression slowed everything down, anxiety accelerated it, creating a paradoxical state of being simultaneously stuck and frantic. This combination made recovery especially challenging, as strategies that might help one condition often aggravated the other.

Recovery proved to be less about dramatic breakthroughs and more about accumulating tiny moments of normalcy. The first sign of progress came as an almost invisible shift, a ten-second period where Haig found himself thinking about something mundane without the overlay of panic or despair. These microscopic improvements became the building blocks of hope, proof that his mental state wasn't permanently fixed in darkness.

The journey toward wellness required confronting his fears directly rather than avoiding them. When agoraphobia made leaving the house terrifying, he forced himself to take progressively longer walks. When separation anxiety made being alone impossible, he gradually extended the time he could spend without Andrea. Each small victory provided evidence that his mind was capable of change, even if progress felt glacially slow.

Books became a crucial lifeline during this period. Reading offered a way to step outside his own tortured thoughts and inhabit other perspectives. Writers like Graham Greene, who had also struggled with depression, provided both distraction and understanding. Literature became a form of therapy, showing him that others had navigated similar dark territories and emerged with wisdom and creativity intact.

The process of recovery also revealed the inadequacy of simple solutions. Well-meaning advice to "think positive" or "pull yourself together" proved not only useless but actively harmful. Instead, healing required accepting the reality of his condition while refusing to let it define his entire existence. This balance between acknowledgment and resistance became a crucial skill in managing his ongoing mental health.

Time itself became an ally rather than an enemy. As months passed without a complete relapse into the worst symptoms, Haig began to trust in the possibility of stability. The bank of better days he accumulated served as evidence that wellness, while not guaranteed, was achievable. Recovery wasn't about returning to his previous self but about building a new version capable of living alongside vulnerability.

Physical exercise emerged as one of the most effective weapons against both depression and anxiety. Running provided a natural way to channel the physical symptoms of panic into something productive. The racing heart and heightened alertness that felt so frightening in a calm setting became appropriate responses to physical exertion. More importantly, the rhythmic nature of running created a meditative state that quieted his overactive mind.

Writing became both an outlet and a purpose. Initially, Haig could barely focus long enough to read, let alone write. But as his concentration gradually returned, he found that putting words on paper helped him process his experiences and create meaning from his suffering. The discipline required for writing also provided structure to days that might otherwise dissolve into anxiety and rumination.

Perhaps most crucial was the unwavering support of his partner Andrea. Her presence provided stability during his most unstable moments, and her practical help with daily tasks allowed him to focus on healing. Love, Haig discovered, wasn't just an emotional comfort but a practical necessity for survival. Having someone who understood his limitations without judgment created a safe space where recovery could occur.

The combination of these tools proved more effective than any single approach might have been. Running addressed the physical aspects of anxiety, writing helped process the mental and emotional components, and love provided the relational foundation that made healing possible. Each reinforced the others, creating a comprehensive approach to mental health that acknowledged both the biological and psychological aspects of his condition.

These tools also had to be adapted over time. What worked during acute crisis needed modification as he moved toward stability. The key was maintaining flexibility while preserving the core elements that had proven effective. This adaptive approach would serve him well as he learned to manage his ongoing mental health needs.

Years into his recovery, Haig came to understand that mental health isn't a problem to be solved but a condition to be managed. He would never return to the blissful ignorance of his pre-breakdown self, but he had gained something perhaps more valuable: a deep understanding of the human condition and the fragility that connects us all. His thin skin, which had made him vulnerable to depression, also made him sensitive to beauty and meaning in ways he hadn't previously experienced.

The decision to write openly about his experiences represented both a personal milestone and a public service. By sharing his story, Haig joined a growing movement of people refusing to hide their mental health struggles. His visibility helped normalize conversations about depression and anxiety while providing hope to others in similar situations. The response to his openness confirmed that his experience, while intensely personal, was far from unique.

His work began influencing how mental health is discussed in popular culture. Rather than perpetuating myths about depression being a character flaw or anxiety being simple nervousness, his writing provided nuanced, accurate descriptions of these conditions. He emphasized that mental illness can affect anyone, regardless of external circumstances, and that recovery is possible even if it doesn't follow a linear path.

The integration of his mental health journey into his creative work demonstrated how suffering could be transformed into something valuable for others. His novels began incorporating themes of alienation and recovery, while his non-fiction provided practical guidance based on lived experience. This alchemy of personal pain into public benefit gave deeper meaning to his struggle.

Living forward meant accepting that setbacks were part of the process rather than signs of failure. Haig learned to recognize early warning signs and implement coping strategies before minor dips became major relapses. This proactive approach, combined with ongoing self-awareness, allowed him to maintain stability while continuing to grow and create.

Matt Haig's journey through mental illness reveals that our greatest vulnerabilities can become sources of strength and connection with others. His experience demonstrates that depression and anxiety, while devastating, are treatable conditions that need not define or destroy a life. The path through darkness requires courage, patience, and often the support of others, but it can lead to a deeper appreciation for both the fragility and resilience of human existence.

His story offers practical hope to anyone struggling with mental health challenges: recovery is possible, help is available, and the intensity of suffering can be transformed into wisdom and creativity. For those supporting loved ones through similar struggles, Haig's account provides insight into what depression and anxiety actually feel like from the inside, fostering the understanding and patience so crucial to healing. His advocacy continues to break down the stigma surrounding mental illness, creating space for more open, honest conversations about the challenges we all face in maintaining psychological wellbeing.