Parenting

When Andy and Sandra Stanley began their parenting journey with three young children in diapers, they faced a moment of profound clarity that would shape everything to follow. Surrounded by the chaos of church planting and early parenthood, they discovered a simple yet revolutionary truth: the quality of their relationships with their children mattered more than any other parenting metric. This realization emerged not from theoretical study, but from observing families who genuinely enjoyed each other's company even after the children had grown and moved away.

The Stanleys' approach to parenting centers on a deceptively simple goal that challenges conventional wisdom about child-rearing. Rather than focusing primarily on behavior modification or academic achievement, they chose to parent with the end in mind, asking themselves what kind of adults they wanted to raise and what kind of relationships they hoped to maintain. Through their years in student ministry, they witnessed countless family dynamics and began to identify patterns that distinguished thriving families from those merely surviving. Their insights offer parents a framework for navigating the complexities of raising children while maintaining the emotional connections that will endure long after the last child leaves home.

The Stanley family's approach to parenting began with a fundamental question that most parents never stop to consider: what does success actually look like? During a six-hour car ride with their infant son Andrew, Andy and Sandra engaged in a conversation that would define their family's trajectory for decades. They weren't content to drift through parenthood hoping for the best; instead, they deliberately chose their destination before charting their course.

Their north star emerged from observing Sandra's family, the Walkers, who possessed something remarkable yet seemingly effortless. The Walker siblings genuinely enjoyed spending time together and with their parents, even calling from across the country just to share in family moments they were missing. This wasn't mere obligation or duty, but authentic affection that had survived the transition from childhood dependence to adult independence.

The goal they settled on was elegantly simple yet profoundly challenging: raising kids who enjoy being with their parents and siblings even when they no longer have to be. This meant prioritizing relationship over behavior modification, connection over compliance, and long-term emotional bonds over short-term convenience. It required them to view every interaction, discipline moment, and family decision through the lens of how it would affect their future adult relationships.

This relational approach demanded that they remember a crucial truth often forgotten in the heat of parenting moments: the relationship between parent and child is inherently asymmetrical. Andy and Sandra recognized that while they were in relationship with their children, it wasn't the same relationship their children had with them. The children related to adults who held all the power, made all the decisions, and controlled all the resources. Understanding this dynamic helped them choose their words, tone, and responses with greater wisdom.

Their north star provided clarity in moments of uncertainty and consistency across different seasons of parenting. It meant that discipline focused on relationship restoration rather than punishment, that rules served the relationship rather than replacing it, and that the ultimate measure of their parenting success wouldn't be found in report cards or behavior charts, but in whether their adult children would freely choose to come home for dinner.

Successful parenting requires recognizing that children naturally progress through distinct developmental stages, but parents must consciously adjust their approach to match each phase. The Stanleys learned early that while children seamlessly transition from one stage to the next, parents often remain stuck in previous patterns, creating unnecessary friction and missed opportunities for growth.

The discipline years, spanning ages zero to five, focus on teaching consequences through consistent, immediate responses to behavior. During this intensive season, parents establish the fundamental understanding that actions have outcomes, both positive and negative. Sandra mastered the art of creative consequences, like the memorable incident when her boys were disrespectful to their babysitter. Rather than simply taking away privileges, she had them spend their own money on flowers, write apology notes, and deliver both in person to the babysitter's workplace. This approach taught relationship restoration while making a lasting impression about the importance of treating others with respect.

The training years, from ages five to twelve, shift the focus from simple cause and effect to explaining the why behind expectations. This is when parents have the opportunity to develop skills and values through practice and repetition. The Stanleys turned everything into training opportunities, from answering the door properly to learning the "interrupt rule" for joining adult conversations. They understood that skills needed for public success must be practiced in private, and they took advantage of children's natural willingness to play games and learn new abilities.

The coaching years arrive with adolescence, bringing the challenge of moving from direct instruction to sideline guidance. During this phase, successful parents learn to connect more than correct, recognizing that their children need space to make decisions and experience natural consequences. This requires tremendous restraint, especially for parents who see potential problems looming. The Stanleys discovered that cultivation of constant conversation, allowing natural failures, and showing genuine interest in their children's passions were essential elements of effective coaching.

The friendship years represent the goal toward which all previous stages have been building. When children reach adulthood and no longer require parental oversight, the relationship can transform into genuine friendship based on mutual respect and enjoyment rather than obligation. The Stanleys now experience the fruit of their earlier investments, with their adult children choosing to spend time together and with their parents not from duty but from authentic affection.

Rather than creating an extensive list of household rules, Andy and Sandra Stanley built their family culture around two fundamental principles that served as keystone habits, creating cascading effects throughout all areas of family life. Their first non-negotiable was "Honor your mother," and their second was "Don't tell a lie." These simple guidelines provided a framework that addressed virtually every behavioral issue while reinforcing their ultimate goal of maintaining strong relationships.

The honor rule proved particularly powerful because of its ripple effects throughout the family system. Teaching children to honor their mother naturally extended to honoring their father, their siblings, and other adults in their lives. This wasn't about rigid formality, but about developing a heart posture that considers others' feelings and perspectives. Practical applications included standing behind chairs until the women were seated at dinner, speaking respectfully even during disagreements, and recognizing that honoring others through behavior was more important than getting one's own way.

Andy's insistence that the boys honor Sandra created benefits that extended far beyond their childhood years. It established patterns that would influence how they treated their future wives, set expectations for how Allie would allow herself to be treated by men, and created a family culture where consideration for others became second nature. The dinner table tradition of standing until the women were seated may have seemed old-fashioned to some, but it consistently reinforced the value of putting others first.

The prohibition against lying served as the second foundational rule because dishonesty fundamentally breaks relationships. Sandra and Andy understood that trust forms the bedrock of every meaningful connection, and that once lying becomes acceptable, all communication becomes suspect. They framed this not as a moral absolute but as a relational necessity, teaching their children that lies make it impossible for others to know where they truly stand.

Their approach to honesty went beyond simply punishing lies; they actively trained their children to tell the truth even when it was difficult. They would preface potentially challenging questions by saying, "I'm going to ask you something, and you may be tempted to lie. I really don't want you to lie to me. Our relationship is too important for that." This approach gave children space to collect their thoughts and choose honesty rather than react defensively, while simultaneously reinforcing that the relationship took priority over avoiding consequences.

These two keystone rules eliminated the need for dozens of specific prohibitions while keeping the focus on what mattered most: maintaining the quality of relationships within the family. They provided clear, memorable guidelines that children could apply across different situations while understanding that the ultimate goal was always to strengthen rather than damage the bonds between family members.

The power of parental words extends far beyond their immediate content, carrying weight that can shape a child's self-concept and future relationships for decades. Andy Stanley learned this truth both through his own childhood experiences and through years of observing how different communication patterns affected family dynamics. Understanding the extraordinary influence of parental words became crucial to maintaining the relationships they valued most.

Three fundamental principles govern how children receive and process their parents' words. First, words are not equally weighted; negative comments carry far more impact than positive ones, with research suggesting it takes between five and nine positive comments to counterbalance a single negative remark. For parents, this ratio may be even more skewed, as children tend to forget encouragement while remembering criticism with startling clarity. This reality demands that parents deliberately increase their positive communication to create space for the necessary but painful moments of correction.

Second, the source of words determines their weight, meaning that identical phrases carry dramatically different impact depending on who speaks them. A compliment from a stranger might weigh five pounds, but the same words from a parent carry forty-five pounds of meaning. This principle explains why children can receive identical advice from teachers, coaches, and parents, yet only truly hear it when it comes from the right source. Parents must take themselves into account when choosing both their words and their timing.

Third, intent becomes irrelevant when words cause harm. Just as accidentally breaking a window still requires repair regardless of the lack of malicious intent, unintentionally hurtful words still inflict damage that must be addressed. Parents often retreat to explanations of what they meant rather than taking responsibility for the impact of what they said, inadvertently placing blame on the child for misunderstanding rather than owning the need for better communication.

The weight of parental words creates both tremendous opportunity and significant responsibility. Andy discovered that his role as the family disciplinarian could easily define his entire relationship with his children if he didn't consciously balance correction with connection. When one of his sons began automatically asking "Am I in trouble?" whenever Andy wanted to talk, it became clear that the positive-to-negative ratio needed adjustment.

Understanding these dynamics led to practical changes in how the Stanleys communicated with their children. They eliminated sarcasm entirely, recognizing that their words carried too much weight for humor that landed at their children's expense. They learned to pause before difficult conversations, ensuring they could communicate both disapproval of behavior and approval of the child as a person. Most importantly, they discovered that preserving their influence with their children required protecting the weight and power of their words through careful, intentional use.

The ultimate test of parenting with relationships in mind comes when children begin questioning the faith and values that shaped their upbringing. For Christian parents, few challenges prove more difficult than watching a child walk away from beliefs that have provided meaning and direction for the entire family. The Stanleys' approach to this situation reveals the practical implications of their relational philosophy and demonstrates how keeping the relationship central can preserve influence even during seasons of disagreement.

When Andrew announced at age seven that he no longer believed in God, Andy's response surprised Sandra and established a pattern they would follow throughout their children's spiritual journeys. Rather than panicking or launching into theological arguments, Andy simply asked when the change had occurred and requested permission to continue praying with Andrew at bedtime. He checked in periodically without pressure, and several months later, Andrew announced that his faith had returned.

This early experience taught them that preserving the relationship must take precedence over controlling beliefs, especially as their children matured into independent adults. Andy's advice to his children was radical in its simplicity: if they chose to walk away from faith, he would go with them. This didn't mean abandoning his own beliefs, but rather refusing to allow differences in belief to create relational distance. The relationship itself had to remain more important than agreement on specific doctrines.

The foundation for this approach rested on their understanding that Jesus never allowed what he believed to separate him from people. Instead, his perfect understanding of God's character compelled him to keep relational bridges open with all kinds of individuals, even those whose lifestyles and beliefs differed dramatically from his own. The people who consistently opposed Jesus were religious leaders who used their beliefs as weapons to exclude and condemn rather than invite and restore.

This Jesus-centered approach to faith influenced every aspect of their parenting, from their emphasis on heart examination over behavior modification to their focus on relationship restoration rather than punishment. They taught their children to develop personal accountability to their heavenly Father while demonstrating through their own responses what it looked like to love others as Jesus had loved them. Their goal wasn't to produce Bible scholars or ensure specific theological positions, but to help their children develop authentic, personal faith that could survive the challenges of adult life.

The practical implications of this approach became clear as their children navigated various life decisions. When Andrew wanted to leave his finance career to pursue stand-up comedy, Andy's response exemplified their commitment to supporting their children's choices rather than controlling them. Having established early in Andrew's life that he would help point him in productive directions until Andrew knew his own mind, Andy felt obligated to honor that agreement even when the choice seemed risky.

Andy and Sandra Stanley's parenting philosophy demonstrates that the most profound success in raising children comes not from producing compliant kids or high achievers, but from nurturing relationships strong enough to survive the transition from dependence to independence. Their commitment to parenting with the relationship in mind created a framework that prioritized long-term connection over short-term convenience, understanding that the ultimate measure of their success would be found in whether their adult children freely chose to maintain close family bonds.

The practical wisdom emerging from their experience suggests two key insights for parents at any stage of the journey. First, defining success early and specifically allows parents to make consistent decisions that serve their ultimate goals rather than simply reacting to immediate circumstances. Second, treating children as individuals worthy of respect while maintaining appropriate parental authority creates an environment where relationships can flourish rather than merely survive the inevitable challenges of growing up. Their approach offers hope to parents who want to raise children who will not only succeed in life but also choose to remain connected to the family that helped shape them.