Not Nice

Picture this: You're sitting in a meeting, watching a colleague take credit for your brilliant idea while you remain silent, that familiar knot forming in your stomach. Or perhaps you're nodding along to weekend plans you don't want to make, agreeing to help someone move when you're already overwhelmed, or staying late at work again because saying no feels impossible. If these scenarios sound painfully familiar, you're not alone. Millions of people worldwide find themselves trapped in the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing, mistaking niceness for kindness and approval-seeking for genuine connection.

The truth is, what we've been taught about being nice might actually be holding us back from the authentic relationships and personal power we truly desire. When we constantly prioritize others' comfort over our own truth, when we suppress our real thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict, we don't just lose ourselves—we rob others of the chance to know and connect with the real us. This journey isn't about becoming selfish or cruel; it's about discovering the profound difference between authentic kindness and fear-based niceness, and learning to show up as your whole, powerful self in every relationship.

People-pleasing isn't really about being kind to others—it's about managing our own anxiety and fear of rejection. At its core, people-pleasing is a survival strategy we developed early in life, a way to ensure we receive love and avoid abandonment. But this strategy comes with a hidden cost: it keeps us perpetually focused on everyone else's needs while ignoring our own inner compass.

Dr. Aziz Gazipura shares his own transformation story, describing how he spent years as what he called "the nicest guy you'll ever meet." He would scan every social interaction for signs of disapproval, constantly adjusting his behavior to please others. At parties, he'd monitor his words carefully, laugh at jokes he didn't find funny, and agree with opinions he didn't share. He thought he was being considerate, but in reality, he was performing a version of himself that he hoped others would accept.

This performance came at a tremendous cost. Gazipura found himself feeling anxious before social events, replaying conversations afterward to analyze what he might have done wrong, and experiencing a chronic sense of emptiness despite being surrounded by people who seemed to like him. The relationships felt hollow because nobody really knew the authentic him—he'd been too busy managing their impressions to reveal his true self.

Breaking free from people-pleasing begins with recognizing that your worth isn't determined by others' approval. Start by noticing when you're about to say yes to something you don't want to do, or when you're suppressing a genuine reaction to keep the peace. In these moments, pause and ask yourself: "What do I actually want here?" Then practice expressing that truth, even in small ways. You might say, "Let me think about that and get back to you" instead of automatically agreeing, or share a different perspective in a conversation rather than just nodding along.

Remember that people-pleasing doesn't actually create the deep connections you're seeking. When you show up authentically—with your real thoughts, feelings, and boundaries—you give others permission to do the same. This is where genuine intimacy and respect are born, not in the careful choreography of trying to be what you think others want you to be.

Boundaries aren't walls that keep people out—they're the foundation that allows healthy relationships to flourish. Without clear boundaries, we lose ourselves in the endless task of managing everyone else's emotions and needs. We become so focused on what others want that we forget to ask ourselves what we want, need, or believe.

Consider the story of a client who realized he had no idea where he ended and others began. During family visits, he would spend all his mental energy anticipating what his parents and brother wanted to do, planning activities around their preferences, and worrying about whether everyone was having a good time. When asked where he fit into these plans, he looked confused. He had become so skilled at reading and responding to others that he'd lost touch with his own desires and preferences.

This boundary confusion shows up everywhere in our lives. We might feel responsible for our coworker's bad mood, guilty when our partner feels disappointed, or anxious when our boss seems stressed. We take on the emotional weather of everyone around us, exhausting ourselves in the process. But here's the liberating truth: other people's feelings are not your responsibility. Adults are capable of managing their own emotional experiences, and trying to control or fix their feelings actually disrespects their autonomy and strength.

Creating healthy boundaries starts with getting clear on what you want and don't want in any given situation. Practice asking yourself throughout the day: "What do I need right now?" or "What would feel good to me in this situation?" Notice when you feel resentful or drained—these are often signals that a boundary has been crossed. Then practice communicating your needs clearly and kindly, without over-explaining or apologizing for having them.

Your worth isn't contingent on how much you sacrifice for others or how little you ask for yourself. When you honor your own needs and communicate them clearly, you model healthy self-respect and invite others to do the same. This creates relationships based on mutual respect rather than one-sided caretaking, leading to deeper satisfaction and genuine connection for everyone involved.

Finding your voice isn't about becoming aggressive or dominating conversations—it's about claiming your right to exist fully in your relationships and interactions. Many people who struggle with speaking up have learned to see their thoughts and opinions as less valuable than others', leading them to stay silent even when they have something important to contribute.

The journey to speaking up often begins with recognizing how much we edit ourselves in real time. Gazipura describes watching clients realize how often they censor their thoughts before speaking, choosing words they think will be most palatable rather than most honest. One client discovered she had never once disagreed with her boss in meetings, even when she had valuable alternative perspectives to offer. She was so focused on being agreeable that she was actually failing to contribute her full value to the team.

The fear of speaking up often stems from catastrophic thinking about what might happen if we share our real thoughts. We imagine others will be offended, angry, or will reject us entirely. But in reality, most people respect authenticity and directness far more than they appreciate false agreeableness. When we speak our truth with respect and genuine intention, we often find that others appreciate our honesty and feel more comfortable being authentic themselves.

Start practicing speaking up in low-stakes situations. Share your genuine opinion about a movie, restaurant, or current event. Ask questions when you're curious about something, even if you think you should already know the answer. Interrupt politely when someone talks over you, saying something like, "I'd like to finish my thought." Notice that the world doesn't end when you take up space in conversations—in fact, you'll likely find that people are more engaged and interested when you show up as your real self.

Speaking up with confidence means trusting that your perspective has value simply because it's yours. You don't need to be the smartest person in the room or have all the answers to contribute meaningfully to conversations and decisions. Your unique viewpoint, shaped by your experiences and insights, is a gift you can offer to others when you have the courage to share it.

The deepest, most satisfying relationships are built on a foundation of mutual authenticity, where both people feel free to be themselves without fear of judgment or rejection. This kind of connection is impossible when one or both people are performing a version of themselves designed to please the other. Genuine intimacy requires the courage to be seen as you truly are, shadows and all.

Gazipura's relationship with his wife Candace illustrates this principle beautifully. Rather than trying to be the perfect husband who never disagrees or has needs, he learned to share his real thoughts and feelings, even when they were uncomfortable. He describes conversations where he expressed frustration, disappointment, or desires that might have seemed selfish. Instead of damaging their relationship, this honesty deepened their connection and allowed both of them to show up more fully.

Many people fear that being authentic will drive others away, but the opposite is usually true. When we're genuine, we attract people who appreciate us for who we really are, and we repel those who were only interested in our performance. This natural selection process leads to relationships that are more satisfying and sustainable because they're based on reality rather than pretense.

Building genuine connections requires practicing vulnerability in small, manageable steps. Share something real about your day instead of just saying "fine" when someone asks how you're doing. Express a preference when making plans with friends rather than always deferring to what others want. Admit when you don't know something instead of pretending to understand. These small acts of authenticity create space for others to be real with you too.

The goal isn't to dump all your thoughts and feelings on everyone you meet, but rather to gradually lower the walls that keep you separate from others. When you can be yourself without apology, you invite others into genuine relationship with you. This is where the magic happens—in the space between two people who are brave enough to be real with each other.

Embracing your authentic self means acknowledging and accepting all parts of yourself, including the aspects you've been taught to hide or suppress. Many people live in constant internal conflict, trying to be only their "good" qualities while pushing down anything they perceive as negative or unacceptable. This internal war is exhausting and ultimately futile—we are complex beings with a full range of thoughts, feelings, and impulses.

Gazipura introduces the concept of the shadow—those parts of ourselves we've learned to hide because they don't fit our image of being a good person. He shares his own experience of discovering the anger, selfishness, and other unacceptable feelings he'd been suppressing for years. Initially, acknowledging these parts felt threatening to his identity as a nice, caring person. But he found that the more he accepted these aspects of himself, the more integrated and powerful he became.

The shadow isn't something to be eliminated—it's a source of energy and authenticity that, when acknowledged and integrated, makes us more whole and genuine. When we try to be only light without acknowledging our darkness, we become flat, one-dimensional characters rather than full human beings. Others can sense this incompleteness, which is why people-pleasers often struggle to form deep connections despite their efforts to be likeable.

Embracing your authentic self means giving yourself permission to feel the full range of human emotions, including anger, sadness, frustration, and desire. It means acknowledging your selfish impulses alongside your generous ones, your judgmental thoughts alongside your compassionate ones. This doesn't mean acting on every impulse, but rather accepting that having these feelings and thoughts is part of being human.

Practice self-compassion when you discover aspects of yourself that don't match your ideal self-image. Instead of pushing these parts away with shame and judgment, meet them with curiosity and acceptance. When you can love and accept all parts of yourself, you free up tremendous energy that was previously spent on internal conflict, and you become someone others can truly know and connect with.

The journey from people-pleasing to authentic self-expression isn't about becoming selfish or uncaring—it's about discovering that you can be both kind and powerful, both considerate and honest. As Gazipura reminds us, "The opposite of nice is not mean. The opposite of nice is real." When you stop performing niceness and start embodying genuine kindness, you become someone who can truly serve others from a place of strength rather than fear.

This transformation requires courage, patience, and self-compassion. You'll make mistakes, feel uncomfortable, and sometimes wonder if you're doing the right thing. But each time you choose authenticity over approval-seeking, you reclaim a piece of your power and move closer to the relationships and life you truly want. Start today by choosing one small way to be more authentic in your interactions. Trust that you are worthy of love and respect exactly as you are, and give others the gift of knowing the real you.