Getting More

Picture yourself standing at a customer service counter, watching the representative shake their head for the third time. Your flight was cancelled, your hotel reservation is in jeopardy, and everyone around you is shouting demands that fall on deaf ears. Most people in this situation feel powerless, accepting whatever crumbs are offered or escalating to angry confrontations that make things worse. But what if there was a completely different approach that could transform this frustrating moment into a surprising victory?

Every single day, you engage in dozens of negotiations without realizing it. From convincing your teenager to clean their room to asking your boss for flexible work arrangements, from resolving conflicts with neighbors to getting better service at restaurants, your life is filled with moments where you need others to say yes. The problem isn't that these situations are inherently difficult—it's that most of us approach them with outdated strategies that create resistance instead of cooperation. The tools and mindset shifts that follow will revolutionize how you see every human interaction, turning ordinary conversations into opportunities for extraordinary outcomes that benefit everyone involved.

The foundation of every successful negotiation isn't logic, leverage, or even preparation—it's genuine human connection. People are far more likely to help you when they feel valued, understood, and respected as individuals rather than treated as obstacles to your goals. This isn't just feel-good philosophy; it's practical psychology that delivers measurable results in both personal and professional settings.

Consider the story of Lisa Stephens, whose five-year-old daughter Aubree fell in the kitchen and gashed her forehead, requiring immediate medical attention. The child was hysterical, clinging to the kitchen table with desperate strength, absolutely refusing to go to the hospital. Instead of using force or threats, Lisa knelt down and began a gentle conversation. "Does Mommy love you?" she asked. "Would Mommy do anything to hurt you?" Through a series of caring questions that acknowledged Aubree's fears while helping her think more clearly, Lisa created emotional safety. Within five minutes, Aubree released the table and walked to the car voluntarily, transforming a traumatic situation into a moment of trust and cooperation.

This illustrates the power of emotional payments—small gestures of empathy, recognition, or understanding that make others feel valued. Before presenting your case or making requests, take the emotional temperature of the situation. What is the other person feeling right now? What pressures might they be under? A gate agent dealing with angry passengers all day will respond differently to someone who notices they seem stressed and offers a genuine compliment about their professionalism. Start every interaction by demonstrating that you see them as a person, not just a function.

The key is developing genuine curiosity about others combined with strategic empathy. Ask yourself what would make their day better, then look for small ways to provide that. When people feel heard and appreciated, they become capable of creative problem-solving rather than defensive resistance. This approach builds relationships while achieving your immediate goals.

One of the most powerful yet underutilized negotiation tools involves using other people's own stated standards, policies, and principles to support your position. Every person and organization has rules they claim to follow, values they espouse, and promises they make. When you calmly point out inconsistencies between their stated standards and current behavior, you create psychological pressure that's almost impossible to resist.

A student discovered this principle when he visited McDonald's five minutes before closing time and received soggy, clearly old French fries. Instead of accepting poor service or arguing angrily, he walked to the counter and picked up McDonald's printed freshness guarantee. Returning to the clerk, he asked conversationally, "I'm here at McDonald's, right?" When she confirmed, he continued, "This guarantee promises perfect texture during all business hours. The store is open until eleven, and it doesn't say the guarantee expires five minutes early, does it?" The student received fresh fries immediately, along with an apology from the manager.

This works because people have a fundamental psychological need to appear consistent with their stated beliefs and commitments. When you give someone a choice between honoring their stated standards or appearing hypocritical, they'll usually choose consistency. The key is being collaborative rather than confrontational in your approach. You're not trying to trap anyone; you're simply helping them align their actions with their own expressed values.

Start by identifying relevant standards before entering important negotiations. Research company policies, previous statements, industry practices, or basic fairness principles that support your position. Then ask questions that highlight any gaps between those standards and current behavior. "Is it your policy to charge customers for services they weren't notified about?" "Should loyal customers receive the same treatment as first-time buyers?" Frame these questions as genuine inquiries rather than accusations, making it easy for others to do the right thing while maintaining their dignity.

The most creative and profitable negotiations happen when you discover that different people value different things. What costs you little might be worth a fortune to someone else, and vice versa. This principle transforms zero-sum thinking into value-creating collaboration, where everyone gets more of what they truly want rather than fighting over limited resources.

Matthew Rogers, a mergers and acquisitions executive, experienced this dramatically while negotiating to purchase a British subsidiary for three million pounds. Through careful questioning, he discovered that the parent company faced a critical deadline—they had to divest the subsidiary within three weeks or violate their bank covenants, potentially jeopardizing their entire thirty-million-pound enterprise. The subsidiary was actually losing money, making it a burden rather than an asset to the parent company. Rogers offered to take the company off their hands for free, promising to expedite all paperwork to meet their crucial deadline. Not only did the British company agree immediately, they paid Rogers sixty thousand pounds to cover his "administrative costs." He was literally paid to take a company away from them.

This works because everyone values things differently based on their unique circumstances, needs, and perspectives. A busy executive might gladly trade a higher salary for more vacation time. A cash-strapped startup might prefer payment in services rather than money. A parent might value safety over convenience, while a teenager prioritizes freedom over security. The key is expanding your view beyond the obvious transaction to include anything that might matter to either party.

Start by asking questions that reveal underlying needs and concerns. What keeps them awake at night? What would make their life significantly easier? What do they wish they had more of—time, recognition, security, excitement, connections? Then consider your own resources broadly. You might have relationships, skills, access, or experiences that cost you little but could benefit them greatly. A recommendation letter, an introduction to a potential client, or advice in your area of expertise might be worth more than money to the right person.

Every problem contains hidden opportunities, but most people are too focused on blame and frustration to recognize the potential for mutual benefit. The most successful negotiators have learned to reframe difficulties as chances to create value, strengthen relationships, and find innovative solutions that leave everyone better off than before the problem arose.

When Alfonso Fernandez called angrily about equipment left on airport property, threatening police action and lawsuits, the situation seemed destined for expensive conflict. His ground handling equipment had been sitting unused for eight months despite repeated requests for removal, and he was furious about the lack of response. Instead of responding defensively to his threats, the property owner remained calm and curious. "You're an attorney? That's fantastic. Where did you go to law school?" This simple question began transforming an adversarial situation into a collaborative exploration. By finding common ground—both were attorneys, both had MBAs from Wharton, both taught business courses—they discovered opportunities for mutual benefit that neither had imagined.

The result was a win-win arrangement where Fernandez could store his equipment on the property for free while the airport could use it when needed. Additionally, Fernandez provided one hundred thousand dollars in warehousing business from his other clients. What began as an angry dispute became a profitable long-term partnership because someone chose to see opportunity instead of just problems.

This transformation requires a fundamental attitude shift from "How can I defend myself?" to "How can we both benefit from this situation?" Problems force people to interact, creating opportunities for relationship-building and creative problem-solving that might never have emerged otherwise. The key is asking different questions: Instead of "Who's to blame?" ask "What can we learn?" Instead of "How do I protect myself?" ask "How do we all get more value?"

Start by drilling down to find the real issue beneath surface complaints. A dispute over price might really be about trust or communication. A conflict over responsibilities might reflect deeper concerns about respect or recognition. Once you identify the underlying problem, you can address it directly while looking for ways to create additional value that benefits everyone involved.

The principles that work in boardrooms and diplomatic summits apply equally to everyday interactions with family members, service providers, and colleagues. Every conversation is an opportunity to practice these skills and create better outcomes for everyone involved. The goal isn't to manipulate others but to consistently find ways for everyone to get more of what they truly want and need.

A father struggled with his preteen daughter who missed the school bus every single morning, requiring him to drive her to school and lose thirty valuable minutes each day. Through role reversal, he realized she was missing the bus deliberately to spend more time with him during their car rides together. Instead of getting angry about the manipulation, he reframed the situation creatively. He explained that those thirty minutes daily meant he had to work Saturday mornings to make up the time, which prevented them from doing fun weekend activities together. He also arranged for her best friend to stop by each morning, making it socially awkward for her to delay and miss their walk to the bus stop. She never missed the bus again, and they found better ways to connect.

Success in daily negotiations requires preparation, patience, and consistent practice. Before important conversations, invest time in considering the other person's perspective and preparing multiple options for mutual benefit. During interactions, stay calm and curious rather than defensive or demanding. Focus on understanding their underlying needs before presenting your own requests.

The compound effect of these small improvements is remarkable. When you consistently approach interactions with genuine interest in others' welfare and creative problem-solving, you build a reputation as someone people want to work with rather than avoid. Opportunities increase, relationships deepen, and daily life becomes more enjoyable and productive for everyone in your circle.

Your negotiation skills will improve with each practice session, and your relationships will strengthen as people recognize your sincere interest in their success alongside your own. Start with low-stakes situations to build confidence, then gradually apply these principles to more important negotiations in your personal and professional life.

These tools represent more than negotiation techniques—they're a fundamental approach to human interaction that creates value and builds relationships simultaneously. When you start viewing every conversation as an opportunity to understand others better and find creative solutions that benefit everyone, you transform not just your results but your entire experience of daily life. As one practitioner discovered after applying these principles, "The negotiations course divided my life into two parts—before the course and after the course. It allowed me to have a much happier and easier life, a more successful career, and better relationships with everyone around me."

The path forward is clear and immediately actionable: start small, practice consistently, and focus on one principle at a time until it becomes natural. Choose one relationship or recurring situation where you'd like better results, then apply the core approach of understanding their perspective first and looking for ways to create mutual value. Begin today by having one conversation where you genuinely focus on the other person's needs before presenting your own. Your negotiation skills will grow with each interaction, and your relationships will flourish as people experience your authentic interest in their welfare alongside your own success.