Extraordinary Influence

Picture this: You're working late on a challenging project, feeling overwhelmed and questioning your abilities. Then your manager walks over and says something that completely shifts your perspective. Instead of pointing out what's wrong, they highlight your unique strengths and connect your current struggle to your bigger career aspirations. Suddenly, you feel energized, creative, and ready to tackle the challenge with renewed confidence.

This moment illustrates one of the most powerful yet underutilized leadership tools available to us. Recent neuroscience research reveals that our brains respond dramatically differently to affirmation versus criticism. While harsh feedback activates our threat-detection systems and shuts down higher-order thinking, genuine affirmation literally lights up the regions associated with creativity, problem-solving, and resilience. The implications are staggering: leaders who master the art of bringing out the best in others don't just create happier workplaces—they unlock exponentially higher performance, innovation, and loyalty from their teams.

The most transformational leaders understand that words carry extraordinary power to shape reality. They speak what we might call "Words of Life"—affirmations that reach deep into a person's core and plant seeds of positive belief about their character and potential.

Consider the story of William, a high school football captain whose team had just lost a heartbreaking playoff game. As steam rose from his overheated body in the cold night air, the opposing team's coach walked across the field directly toward him. Instead of celebrating his own team's victory, this coach put his hands on William's shoulders and said, "Son, tonight you played an outstanding game, and you left nothing on the field. You displayed great character and courage in the way that you led your teammates, and it was an honor to play against you." Those words became a cornerstone belief that carried William through the grueling challenges of the Naval Academy, nuclear submarine service, and eventually into successful business leadership.

The science behind Words of Life is remarkable. When we affirm someone's character—their integrity, courage, wisdom, or resilience—we activate brain circuits associated with positive emotions, trust, and openness to new ideas. We literally help rewire their neural pathways for success. This isn't about empty praise or participation trophies. It's about recognizing and reinforcing the character qualities that already exist within someone, helping them see themselves as capable of greatness.

To speak Words of Life effectively, we must be authentic, thoughtful, and specific. We're not just saying "good job"—we're identifying the deeper character traits that made their actions meaningful. When a team member shows persistence through a difficult project, we might say, "Your resilience in the face of setbacks demonstrated real leadership. You kept the whole team focused on our mission when things got tough."

Words of Life become the internal voice that guides people through future challenges. They create unshakeable beliefs about one's own capacity for excellence, courage, and impact.

Traditional criticism triggers our brain's threat-detection system, shutting down the very cognitive resources we need for learning and growth. Alliance Feedback offers a revolutionary alternative that maintains dignity while still addressing performance issues.

The story of a young college student working in a campus cafeteria illustrates this beautifully. When the student made inappropriate jokes that offended two local farmers who collected food waste, his boss could have simply reprimanded him. Instead, the supervisor, Mr. Benson, called him into his office and created an alliance around shared values. He began by affirming the student's character and their mutual commitment to treating people well. Then he connected the inappropriate behavior to what it meant for their team and mission. By the end of the conversation, the student felt motivated to apologize and genuinely change his behavior—not out of fear, but out of alignment with his own values.

Alliance Feedback works by connecting needed changes to either the person's aspirations or to shared organizational values. Instead of saying "You're wrong," we might say, "I know you want to advance to a leadership role. To get there, you'll need to build stronger relationships across departments." This approach activates the brain's reward centers rather than threat responses.

The process requires several key conditions: First, we must assume positive intent and approach the conversation with genuine care for the person's success. Second, we need to connect the feedback to something the person truly values—their career goals, their reputation, or their commitment to team success. Third, we must maintain a tone of partnership rather than judgment.

When delivered skillfully, Alliance Feedback transforms correction into collaboration. People leave these conversations feeling supported and energized rather than defensive and demoralized.

While daily affirmations of someone's style and competence matter tremendously, the most profound transformations happen when we speak directly to someone's core—their deepest sense of identity and character. This is where strategic influence takes root.

Sally's story demonstrates this powerfully. When she inherited her father's manufacturing company, she faced enormous challenges transforming a highly controlling culture into one that could adapt and grow. After months of difficult decisions, restructuring, and facing down skeptics, her advisor recognized something profound. He didn't just praise her business results—he spoke to her character: "You have exhibited great integrity in the way you've handled difficult personnel changes. You demonstrated profound courage in making these changes. Your emotional resilience amazed everyone." Sally was momentarily speechless, tears welling up, as these words reached her core and affirmed the leader she had become.

Strategic influence requires us to see beyond surface behaviors to the character qualities underneath. When someone displays integrity under pressure, shows courage in difficult conversations, or demonstrates wisdom in complex decisions, we have an opportunity to speak Words of Life that shape their identity as a leader.

This type of affirmation happens less frequently than daily feedback, but its impact is exponentially greater. We're not just recognizing what someone did—we're affirming who they are. The brain responds by strengthening neural pathways associated with those character traits, making it more likely the person will act from that identity in future situations.

The key is authenticity and specificity. Generic praise falls flat, but when we can point to specific moments where someone's character shone through and name the quality we observed, we give them a gift that keeps giving. These affirmations become internal resources they can draw upon in challenging times.

Strategic influence transforms not just behavior, but identity. It helps people step into the best version of themselves and stay there.

The ultimate test of leadership lies in developing other leaders, particularly those with exceptional potential. High performers need more than just technical training—they need someone to call forth their greatness and guide them toward sustainable excellence.

The story of Jim working for Mr. Benning illustrates this perfectly. When Jim expected to immediately join a construction crew, Mr. Benning instead had him spend two weeks clearing weeds with a sickle, then two more weeks scraping paint by hand. Every Friday, Mr. Benning would ask, "Is this the best you can do?"—not as criticism, but as a challenge to excellence. Through these seemingly mundane tasks and weekly conversations about life, work, and character, Jim developed emotional resilience and a commitment to excellence that served him throughout his Naval Academy years and beyond.

Developing high performers requires four critical actions. First, we must provide them with an enriched diet of affirmation, particularly Words of Life that affirm their character and potential. The neuroscience shows that affirmation literally rewires the brain for higher performance, creativity, and resilience.

Second, we must help them build and guard their core. High performers face unique risks—success can breed arrogance, which becomes the pathway to derailment. We must teach them the stages of potential derailment and help them maintain humility and self-awareness. The most successful leaders are those who remain grounded regardless of their achievements.

Third, we should position high performers where they must lead through influence rather than position power. When someone has no formal authority but must still achieve results through others, they develop the collaborative skills that make truly great leaders.

Finally, we must help them develop courage. Leadership requires taking risks, speaking truth to power, and making difficult decisions. Through strategic affirmation and carefully designed challenges, we can build the inner strength they'll need for greater responsibilities.

The investment we make in developing high performers multiplies exponentially as they go on to develop others and create positive ripple effects throughout our organizations.

The research is clear: our words have the power to literally rewire brains and transform lives. When we choose affirmation over criticism, when we speak Words of Life that reach someone's core, when we give Alliance Feedback that maintains dignity while promoting growth, we unlock human potential in extraordinary ways. As one leader discovered, "We gain an extraordinary ability to transform others when we affirm them versus when we apply what might euphemistically be called constructive criticism."

This isn't just about being nice—it's about being effective. Organizations that master these principles create cultures where people thrive, innovate, and perform at levels they never thought possible. They become places where discretionary effort flows freely because people feel valued, supported, and inspired to bring their best selves to work. Start today by identifying one person in your sphere of influence and commit to speaking Words of Life into their character. Notice how they respond, how they carry themselves differently, and how their performance begins to shift. That's the power of extraordinary influence in action.